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BEAUTY RESOLUTION SE-03.30-UL

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BEAUTY RESOLUTION SE-03.30-UL,

OR WHY I AM COMPLETELY AND PERMANENTLY DIVESTING FROM THE COSMETICS INDUSTRY FOR THE TEMPORARY TIME BEING

WHEREAS, the beauty industry has dominated the hearts, minds, and clutch purses of tween/preteen/teen girls and grown women the world over, from the beginning of time, in every hamlet and in every bustling city, in every valley and on every mountaintop, from time immemorial and since Eve was banished to the desert after biting into the forbidden apple, thus gaining the knowledge of the condition of chapped lips; and

WHEREAS, the beauty industry, in advertisements and similar public relations paraphernalia, has pretended to embrace brash individualism and “inner beauty,” encouraging consumers to do the same by way of pithy catchphrases such as “Let Your Self Shine Through” and “Natural, Beautiful You,” while simultaneously reminding them that the only sure way to “shine through” is via lip gloss and skin serums, and that the “natural, beautiful you” would garner more attention with the aid of expert contouring; and

WHEREAS, the beauty industry has made an undying commitment to continuously befuddling women with ever-changing, similar and non-similar terms and descriptions which often mean the same thing, or something different, or something similar yet different, e.g. oil-free, oil-laden, longwear, shortwear, luminous, glowy, dewy, 12-hr, 16-hr, 24-hr, natural coverage, medium coverage, full coverage, matte finish, shiny finish, non-comedogenic, comedogenic, mineral-based, water-based, and the like; and

WHEREAS, on the toilsome topic of foundations, the beauty industry has become notorious for, once a consumer has sorted through and come to understand the aforementioned terms and how they might apply to her particular skin, having chosen one product and become loyal to and reliant on said product, unexpectedly and unconscionably discontinuing said product, or to a lesser yet still significant extent, discontinuing a specific shade of said product, sending the consumer into a frantic state in which she must journey back to the proverbial makeup drawing board on a renewed, costly, and difficult quest for the elusive proper undertone, shade, and strength; and

WHEREAS, the beauty industry regularly entertains conundrums, oxymorons, and non sequiturs such as the “no-makeup makeup look” (requiring an abundance of makeup); and

WHEREAS, the beauty industry regularly suffers from complete and utter indecision as to how to tactfully label products for women of a certain age and those with the hope of preventing or avoiding becoming such a woman, resulting in great consumer consternation as it fluctuates regularly amongst the following terms: anti-aging, pro-aging, non-aging, ageless, age-proof, timeless, time-reverse, age-reverse, age-embrace, youth renewal, ever-young, rejuvenescence, youthification, and the like; and

WHEREAS, the beauty industry persists in periodically touting a new, must-have miracle ingredient that effective products must contain, lest the consumer risk suffering immediate, adverse consequences tantamount to extinction-level catastrophe. Said can’t-do-without ingredients shift regularly, with many leaving the rotation to make room for others, then rotating back in, making one lightly question the scientific veracity of said claims and intimating not so subtly that the consumer is being sold a trend not unlike flare pants and gladiator sandals. Said ingredients have included but are not limited to hyaluronic acid, Vitamin C, Vitamin E, retinol, alpha hydroxy acids, collagen, DMAE, peptides, stem cells, glycerin, resveratrol, alpha lipoid acids, and botanical extracts and oils (specific ones being dependent on popularity and crop results); and

WHEREAS, the beauty industry has now decided to double-major in nutrition, advocating the usage of ingestible products to further enhance and enrich one’s appearance, so that consumers are now encouraged to chew a bevy of jewel-colored gummy vitamins designed to grow and advance hair, nails, and wonderful, perfect lives; and

WHEREAS, the beauty industry, with its ever-changing, new and essential products, is reprehensibly designed to keep the consumer feeling outdated, behind the curve, a veritable Jennifer-Come-Lately, forcing her to buy the latest outrageously-priced product even though she still has more than half a jar of the last outrageously-priced product to finish; and

WHEREAS, members of the beauty industry have callously implemented the elaborate, sinister strategy called Loyalty Points wherein at the point-of-sale, one receives points, often cleverly (i.e. inanely) named “Beauty Marks,” or “Cutie Credits,” which may be used to select so-called free samples (which we must duly note are not free, since the consumer bought something in order to get the points which she is now spending). Said “free” samples inevitably lead to the purchase of the sample product (deluxe size), leading to more points, leading to more “free” samples, leading to more deluxe size purchase, leading to....;

NOW, THEREFORE, BE IT RESOLVED, that in the name of refusing to be further duped or otherwise hoodwinked, bamboozled, or led astray, Kimberly will, for the foreseeable future three months, strictly adhere to the following:

1) Reducing the number of beauty-industry sponsored emails that she reads to one per month week day,

2) Restricting herself to one beauty-industry purchase every month four two weeks,

3) Purchasing only replacements of “tried and true” products from the beauty industry, unless and only unless newly introduced products have indisputable claims and proven results, as shown and depicted in persuasive “before and after” photos, glowing product reviews, and ads (in print, online, or televised form) that render the product simply irresistible.

LET IT BE FURTHER RESOLVED, that the above-stated resolutions may be jettisoned upon entry into one of the hallowed, sacred places affiliated with the beauty industry, especially if, upon crossing the threshold, Kimberly is greeted by a spunky associate who leads with “Hi! Oh, you’re so pretty, I don’t even know why you’re here!”

Passed and adopted this 3rd day of July, 2020.

Attest: Kimberly Lee

First appeared in Words and Whispers, Issue 2
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